The Search For Squall's Sexy Pants!
by Freddy the Magical Elf
Summary: Rinoa steals Squall's sexiest leather pants, and it's up to Selphie and her gang to save the day!
1. The Crisis: Squall's booty is showing!

This...is a fanfic.  
  
Now that we've cleared that up, we can start disclaiming things.  
  
Final Fantasy VIII and all situations, characters, and other aspects relating  
to the game are property of Squaresoft. This fanfic is property of me, Anna,  
AKA Freddy the Magical Elf. Sueing me would be silly, so please don't; This  
is all in the name of fun.  
This fic is dedicated to the Squall_Leonheart_FF8 fanfiction list, because  
that's what I wrote it for. Hi, y'all!  
  
WARNING: This fanfic contains swearing, sexual innuendo, rampant Irvine-is-  
gay jokes, weed, Laguna fangirl gushing, frilly underpanties, and Quistis' whip  
being referred to as "kinky".  
  
Sounds like fun, eh?  
  
A TOTAL BASTARD PRODUCTION  
  
SELPHIE TILMETT AND THE QUEST FOR SQUALL'S SEXY PANTS  
  
PART ONE: Pointless Drivel  
  
One day Selphie was merrily skipping about Balamb Garden and falling   
over when she noticed that Squall was not moping around the hallways. This was   
strange, even stranger than the time Zell got drunk and made love to the Zip   
drive of one of the library's computers. Even stranger than the time Quistis   
took up alchemy and attempted to make gold out of the hot dogs. (Which Zell   
promptly ate.)   
  
It was still not as strange as Irvine, but that was okay.  
  
So Selphie hummed a little tune and kept skipping. Selphie liked   
skipping. She was an excellent skipper. Sometimes she called Irvine "Little   
Buddy", but that was a different kind of skipper altogether. Selphie was an   
easily confused young lady.  
  
She came upon Seifer smoking weed with Fujin and Raijin in the parking   
lot. Selphie stopped in a cute manner, cocked her head in a cute manner, and   
squinted up her eyes in a manner that was, unfortunately, Rinoa-like.  
  
"What's up, funky American homeboys?" she asked.  
  
"Duuuuuude..." Seifer drawled. "Yer all waaaaaavvvvyyyyyy..."  
  
Raijin giggled.  
  
"Are you guys stoned?" Selphie asked innocently.  
  
"Uhhhh...I dunno." Seifer answered her. Raijin giggled again.  
  
"REEFER!" Fujin said.  
  
This time everyone giggled. Seifer held the joint out to Fujin, who   
accepted it and toked. "Whoooaaa...heyyyy...Selphie, when did you get here?"  
  
"Ooookay...booyaka?" Selphie responded cautiously.  
  
Raijin giggled again.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Fujin kicked Raijin in the balls and he fell over a car.  
  
"Dude." Seifer said.  
  
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude! Ya know?" Raijin   
said, blinking at the concrete that was a mere two inches from his eyes.  
  
"DUDE!" Fujin said.  
  
"Okay, potheads are a drag, no pun intended. I'm outta here!" And   
Selphie skipped away. In the distance, she heard Fujin say "BONG!".  
  
Selphie skipped around in a totally random pattern until she came to   
the dormitories. Irvine was slouching around in front of them. "Heeeey thar,   
Sefie." he said, and tipped his hat to her. The gaggle of crazed groupies in   
front of him sighed.  
  
"You are soooooooooooo suave, Irvine..." one of them sighed.  
  
"Why thanks honey, I'm shore...say...do y'all have enny bruthers?"  
  
Everyone giggled again. Irvine looked a bit confused.  
  
"HEY! EVERYONE GO AWAY!" Selphie hollered. They did.  
  
"Thanks!" Irvine said, looking around furtively and ducking into an   
empty dorm room. Selphie followed. "Damn, all them women shore do like me!"  
  
"It's pretty odd, seeing as how you're..." Selphie stopped and tried   
to think of a tactful way to say this. "You're...ummmm...awfully festive."  
  
Irvine looked pleased. "Why, thank yew kindly!" he purred, smoothing   
his suede vest down. "Ah do have good taste, huh?"  
  
"Umm...errr...no, I mean...uhhh...you're...ohh, the hell with it."   
Selphie gave up. "So, have you seen Squall?"  
  
"Ah reckon he's in his dorm right 'bout now." Irvine responded. "Hey,   
Sefie, whatcha doing tonight?"  
  
"Nothin', why?"  
  
"I thought maybe we could go out to dinner...see a movie..."  
  
Selphie's eyes turned to big ol' anime-style hearts. "Oh, Irvine,   
that's so romantic..."  
  
"...go shoppin'....pick up the new Barbara Streisand CD...get   
makeovers..."  
  
Selphie sighed. Oh well, good enough. "Okay, Irvine. See ya around   
eight." And Selphie walked down the hall to Squall's room.  
  
The door was closed. Selphie pondered this metaphor, then slowly   
opened it...  
  
PART 2: PRETENTIOUS PONTIFICATION PREVENTS PANTS RELOCATION!  
  
Selphie skipped around in a circle, waiting impatiently for Squall to   
answer the door. Idly, she wondered if he was perhaps balling Rinoa in the   
closet, and debated taking pictures.  
  
"HEYYYYYYY! SQUAAAAALLLLL! OPEN UP!" she screamed into the keyhole. Or   
tried to, anyways, before she realized the door had no keyhole.  
  
Inside the room, Squall was in a panic. Sweat ran down his thighs in   
rivers. His teeth were chattering. His eyeballs rolled wildly. On any other   
occasion, he would have blamed it on the cafeteria hot dogs, but this time he   
knew what the problem was.  
  
He heard Selphie's cheery, slightly maniacal voice coming from outside   
the room.  
  
Could he tell her...? He had to.  
  
With a sigh, Squall slipped off his bed and opened the door just a   
tiny crack, leaving the chain lock on. 'BE QUIET!" he hissed at her.  
  
"HOWDY THERE! WHY?" Selphie shouted at the top of her lungs.  
  
"I have a secret." Squall said in a strained whisper. 'And I need your   
help."  
  
"OKAY!"  
  
And with that, Squall threw open the door and dragged Selphie inside,   
locking it before she could even guess what was going on.  
  
The room was dark, completely dark. Selphie shivered. Was it cold in   
here? She could see little else besides the faint red glow of a digital alarm   
clock and it's reflected glitter in Squall's blue eyes.  
  
"Uh, dude, can we turn on the lights?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, then how am I supposed to help you with your problem?"  
  
"...."  
  
Selphie, luckily, always kept six or so glow sticks on hand. Unluckily,   
she forgot this, so instead she merely flicked on the lights and stood   
blinking, trying to clear her eyes.  
  
Then she saw Squall.  
  
Her eyes widened in shock.  
  
And she began to laugh hysterically.  
  
Squall stood in the center of the room, looking very uncomfortable. He   
was wearing his customary jacket, white shirt, and belts...and nothing else,   
save for a pair of bright yellow boxers with: "WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" written on   
them in neon-green puff paints.  
  
PART 3: SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE HIM BE CLOTHED!  
  
"Call me Shrinkey-Dink and you DIE!"   
  
Selphie just pointed and laughed.  
  
About twenty minutes later, when she could breathe again, Selphie   
asked, "What happened?"  
  
"..."  
  
"Squall...?"  
  
"Sorry, I forgot to talk. Ummm...well...I invited Rinoa over so that I   
could stare at the wall and she could look at shiny paperclips and drool, when   
all of a sudden the bitch throws me down on the bed, pantses me, and runs off!"  
  
"Sounds like fun."  
  
"Well, it would have been, if all my other pants weren't at the   
cleaners." Squall groused.   
  
"SO...whaddaya want me to do, anyways?" Selphie twirled her hair   
around her finger and tried to look like she cared. Which she did, actually,   
she just had trouble expressing it.  
  
"Get them back."  
  
"Yeah, the hell I will!" Selphie jeered him. "Nice undies, by the way!"  
  
"I'll pay you."  
  
This stopped her. "How much?"  
  
"I'll...pay for any train ride you go on, ever." Squall gulped; that would   
be quite a bill. But he wanted his goddamn pants!  
  
"WHOOHOO! BOOYAKA!" Selphie cried. "Never fear, Squall, Selphie's here!"   
And with that she dashed out.  
  
Had Squall been pithy or witty, he would have made a comment about why   
that WOULD inspire fear in him. But being Squall, he just glared.  
  
Selphie ran out to where Irvine was still standing and grabbed his nail   
polish away to get his attention. "Irvine! I need you for the Ass-Covering-  
Recovery Task Force!"  
  
"You...huh?" Irvine asked, confused, as he snatched the polish back and  
continued making his pinkies purple.  
  
"Rinoa the Idiot Slut stole Squall's pants, and he hired me to get 'em   
back!" Selphie huffed.  
  
"So what's in it for me?" Irvine asked, disgruntled as a postal worker.  
  
Selphie thought for a minute. "A lifetime supply of hair conditioner   
and gay porn out the wazoo." she offered.  
  
"Shucks! I'll take it! YEE-HAW!" Irvine yelled. "Hey, let's go find us  
some more peoples!"  
  
"Okay!" Selphie said, grabbing Irvine's hand. Normally he would have   
screamed like a little girl at the smearing of his pretty nail polish job, but   
he was too entranced by Selphie's proposition to do so.  
  
They skipped merrily into the classroom where Quistis was sitting,   
calmly and precisely smearing exactly one tablespoon of mayonnaise on each   
slice of perfectly square whole-wheat bread.  
  
"Blecch!" Selphie yelled.  
  
Quistis looked up. "Oh, hello, Selphie and Irvine. Is it not a lovely   
day? Headmaster Cid has given me the opportunity to redeem myself as a teacher   
by preparing lunch for him." The blond gestured to a veritable mountain of   
similar bread slices stacked next to her desk.  
  
"Bread and mayonnaise? Aincha gonna put nothin' else on?" Irvine asked   
in disgust.  
  
"But of course. After I have finished with the mayonnaise, I will go   
through and add exactly one lettuce slice. And after I have finished with the   
lettuce, I will go through and add exactly one turkey slice. And after I have   
finished with the turkey, I will go through and add exactly one tomato slice.   
And after I have finished with the tomato, I will go through and add exactly   
one ham slice. And after I have finished with the ham, I will go through and   
add exactly one tablespoon of mustard. And after I have finished with the   
mustard, I will add exactly one plain slice of bread to each. And after I   
have added the extra bread, I will stick exactly one olive in the top of each,   
and place each on a perfectly round bone china plate with exactly two point   
six fresh Kosher dills pickles beside it."  
  
Selphie and Irvine blinked.  
  
"Umm...okay. Anyways, would you like to help us on our quest?" Selphie   
asked cautiously.  
  
"What is your quest?"  
  
"We gotta find Squall's pants." Irvine said. "And my favorite color is   
pink, so doncha bother askin'."  
  
"Very well. Is there any sort of monetary compensation for this deed?"   
Quistis asked.  
  
"Sure..." Selphie thought for a second. "Squall will make Headmaster   
Cid fresh sandwiches whenever he wants and say that YOU made them! Forever!"  
  
Quistis's eyes lit up like two eyes lighting up in her head. "Lovely!   
I shall join you!" she announced as she grabbed her kinky S&M whip.  
  
So then Selphie skipped, Irvine pranced, and Quistis plodded down to   
the cafeteria, where they convinced Zell by promising him an everlasting   
supply of hot dogs at Squall's expense. Zell was so overjoyed that he put a   
sixty-second pause between "OH" and "YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!".  
  
Now they skipped, pranced, plodded, and shadowboxed their way to the   
parking lot and hopped into a car. Selphie drove, Irvine rode shotgun ((BAD   
PUN!)), and Quistis sat neatly in the backseat. They tied Zell behind the car   
so that he could run and maybe work off some of that extra energy.  
  
"Next stop...Esthar! We gotta get Sir Laguna!" Selphie announced.  
  
PART 4: I WANNA EAT A BURRITO OFF OF LAGUNA'S ASS--  
OH SHIT, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?!  
  
Laguna Loire, mayor of Esthar, slept in little girls' panties.  
  
Every night when Laguna went to bed, Kiros snuck into his room and   
quietly took off his old friend's pajama bottoms. Since Laguna slept like a   
dead deaf guy with earplugs on an overdose of Seconal, this was not really a   
problem for Kiros.  
  
Then, quiet as a...seagull...Kiros would retrive a pair of sparkly,   
frilly, lacy underpants and slip them onto Laguna's firm, toned, sensual,   
creamy-white, silky, soft legs and fabulous ass.   
  
Upon awakening every morning, Laguna removed then in a ritualistic   
manner.  
  
"GODDAMN FANGIRLS!" he would roar, ripping the undies off with his   
bare hands and throwing them at the door. Then he would stomp off, naked from   
the waist down and in a huff, to the shower, while Kiros giggled and hugged   
his Britney Spears doll in the next room.  
  
Today was no exception.   
  
Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, and Zell were having Dr. Pepper, a champagne   
cocktail, flat lukewarm water, and beer, respectively, in the living room   
while Ward entertained them.  
  
"...." said Ward.  
  
Everyone laughed hysterically, Zell spraying beer out his nose like a   
fire hydrant.  
  
"Damn! You shore are a card, Ward!" Irvine said, daintily sipping his   
drink.  
  
Kiros walked in wearing a VERY skimpy half-shirt and pair of bright   
blue short-shorts. He shyly put one hand behind his head and batted his eyes   
at Irvine. "Well, hel-LO!" he purred.  
  
Irvine blushed like a nun on a gay nude beach and quickly downed the   
rest of his drink. "Hey, Kiros." he mumbled into the empty glass.  
  
"Hi!" Selphie chirped. "Is Sir Laguna ready yet?"  
  
Kiros cocked his head. A muffled shout was heard, then a faint *THUMP*,   
then the shower. "Fifteen more minutes."  
  
And sure enough, fifteen minutes later, Laguna arrived in his regular   
outfit with his hair a stringy wet mess, scowling as well as he could.  
  
A Laguna scowl is somewhat the equivalent of a stoned grin, but not as   
mellow.  
  
His grin became real when he saw everyone. "HI!" he said.  
  
Selphie made a decisive gesture with her fists, as all Selphies do,   
and said, 'Sirrrrrrrr LAGUNA! We need your help! Rinoa has made off with   
Squall's sexiest of tight leather pants and we need you to help us find her!"  
  
Laguna looked at her for a second, then grinned dopily. "I like pie."   
he announced proudly.  
  
Oh right. Laguna grinned like a stoned guy because he WAS stoned, as,   
unbeknownst to him, a couple of Esthar's teenaged hellions flushed their supply   
of pot down the toilet and it was somehow bypassed from the sewer system to   
Laguna's shower.  
  
Someone had been playing such tricks on the Mayor for a while. Some   
said it was members of a Sorceress cult, out for revenge. Others said it was   
international terrorists.  
  
Still others said that Esthar had a really lousy sewer system, but it   
still didn't explain why bad stuff happened to poor Laguna all the time.  
  
Kiros explained the problems they'd been having while Laguna hummed   
"The Wall" and drummed on Ward's bald head.  
  
"That is not a favorable course of action." Quistis said in disapproval.  
  
Zell was buzzed, and got up to shadowbox at about 70 MPH, or, since   
this is a FF game, 10393938 KMPH, or whatever it is in the metric system.  
  
"So I doubt anyone's going to be able to help you." sighed Kiros.  
  
  
PART 5: POOKIE BEAR AND SQUISHY-POO  
  
After Laguna's rejection, the Balamb Garden group was quite downhearted  
indeed. Even Selphie seemed less Ritalin-deprived than usual.  
  
"Look, you guys, even though I can't come with you, I'll still be your   
cheerleader!" Laguna said suddenly.  
  
Everyone except Zell and Ward got a yummalicious image of Laguna   
jumping up in a pleated miniskirt in their heads, giggled, then looked away.  
  
"I believe he meant that he supports us, not that he would *ahem*   
actually put on minishorts and bend over." Quistis said dryly.  
  
"Why Quistis how could you think such thoughts you dirty perverted   
slut I can't believe you how awful I feel dirty myself now you ought to be   
ashamed." Selphie said in a complete monotone without blinking.  
  
Kiros giggled like a sailor-suited schoolgirl.  
  
"Well, I gotta go rule a town full of nuclear warheads and stuff now.   
But it was nice seeing you all again! Bye bye!" And with that, Laguna dashed   
out of the room.  
  
"Well, shee-oot!" Irvine said. "What the heck'r we gonna do now, Sefie?"  
  
Selphie thought. She thought for a long long time.   
  
"Go to the mall?" she asked.  
  
"Besides that, dude!" Zell said.  
  
"Ohhhh..." Selphie was crestfallen. That was all she could think about.  
  
"You know, I'm not a super-straight tightlaced prune-faced prude!'   
Quistis said suddenly. "I, too, have creative desires and burnings in my mortal  
loins!" She stood up. "I feel the need to CREATE!"  
  
"You made sandwiches earlier." Zell reminded her.  
  
Quistis blinked. "Oh, yes, you're right. How silly of me. Never mind   
then." And she sat back down.  
  
"Ooooo...kayyyy..." Selphie said. '" have a new idea! Let's go to   
Deling City and ask Rinoa's dad if he knows where she is!"  
  
"That makes sense, amazingly enough." Kiros remarked to Ward.  
  
Ward farted.  
  
"You're right."  
  
So they all left, while Kiros and Irvine gave each other a very long   
goodbye kiss. "I love you, pookie bear." Irvine said manfully.  
  
"I love you too, squishy-poo." Kiros replied. "See you in the parade   
next week."  
  
"What was all that about?" Selphie asked Irvine as they left.  
  
"Oh shucks, he ran outta Chapstick and I rubbed somma mine off on him,   
that's all." Irvine replied.  
  
" 'Pookie bear'? 'SQUISHY-POO'?"  
  
"Well, shoot-dang! One time we was gettin' drunk together and I thought   
he was my date and he thought I was his 'n we called each other them names!   
Shucks, Selphie, it's a joke!"  
  
She threw her hands in the air in exasperation, smacking Zell across   
the face. He immediately punched a nearby wall in retaliation. "Parade?!"  
  
"I'm helpin' him organize an Esthar Day parade! Jeezum crow, Selphie,   
are you all right?"  
  
"No, I have a migraine and a strong urge to go see Siegfried and Roy."  
  
"Are we there yet?" Zell whined.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  



	2. The Not-Really-Daring Rescue Attempt: Ir...

  
PART 6: DELING DELING DELING! STREET TROLLEY!  
  
They reached Deling City after a grueling 18-hour drive. It would have   
been a lot shorter if Zell hadn't insisted they stop at every single historical   
marker along the highway for "educational purposes". The group later discovered   
that Zell was stealing said signs for his "collection".  
  
Selphie hopped out and groaned. "Owwwww, my ass hurts!"  
  
Her pet donkey brayed in agreement.  
  
"No, not you, retard!"  
  
"So...where's General Caraway at?" Irvine asked, picking his teeth with   
the crosshairs on his shawtgun. (Yee-haw!)  
  
"I would suppose his house." Quistis said thoughtfully. Everyone was   
glad Quistis was EVER so smart.  
  
"Know-it-all!" Zell said, squatting and readying himself for battle.   
"Ya wanna throw down? You think yer smart? I'LL show ya who's smart!"  
  
"Ah think he's mighty peeved that y'all made him put those signs back."   
Irvine told Quistis and Selphie.  
  
"Yeah, either that or he's going through steriod withdrawal." Selphie   
replied. She was in a bad mood; Sir Laguna would have been a big help on this   
quest.  
  
Reading her thoughts, Quistis said gently, "I am sorry that Mayor Loire   
could not come with us as well, Selphie. He would have been a fine asset."  
  
"Yeah, he does have a great ass, doesn't he?" Selphie sighed in a   
girlish manner.  
  
"Well, yes, that also..."  
  
"WHOO-HOO!" Zell suddenly yelled, jumping up in the air. The others   
were startled.  
  
"Dangit, Zell!" Irvine yelped, throwing the mascara wand he had been   
holding at the other man. "Ya made me smear my eye makeup!"  
  
"Sorry, dude. But look!" Zell pointed to a large group of brick   
buildings where a groups of large, hairy, and thoroughly unattractive males   
were manipulating some anorexic-looking young girls. "FRAT PARTY!   
YEEEEAAAAAHHH!"  
  
Before anyone could slap him and tell him to shut the hell up, Zell had   
dashed over to the party.  
  
"Oh, GREAT..." Selphie moaned. "Now what happens?"  
  
"Let us continue onto Caraway's mansion. After we have discussed matters   
with him-and hopefully found Rinoa and recovered Squall's belongings-we shall   
come back here and claim Zell." Quistis said, shouldering her whip. "Does that   
seem feasible?"  
  
Irvine shrugged. "Awright then. Lead on, Quistis."  
  
As they walked to Caraway's place, Selphie noticed Irvine seemed a bit   
saddened. Making sure Quistis was several feet ahead of them, she quietly asked,  
'Hey Irvy, what's wrong?"  
  
"Aw, shucks, Sefie, darned if ah know." Irvine said glumly. "Ah jest   
wish we was still in Esthar, y'know?"  
  
"Yeah, this place sucks!" Selphie glared all around her. "I HATE this   
town! It's full of traffic and it's loud and noisy!"  
  
"Naw, girl, it ain't the TOWN..." Irvine looked uncomfortable.  
  
"Well, what then?"  
  
"I miss Kiros."  
  
Selphie sighed. "Would you PLEASE just admit that you're gay?" she   
asked in exasperation.  
  
"Selphie! Ain't you been listening? I jest told you Ah'm miserable!"   
Irvine said in a hurt voice.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Quistis turned around and frowned at the shorter girl. "Selphie Tilmett!   
Would you KINDLY please refrain from shrieking?"  
  
Selphie made a face at Quistis. When Quistis turned around, she made   
another face, this time at the blond's back.  
  
"How rude! Making faces at me behind my back!" Quistis fumed.  
  
Everyone was suffering from severe Midol deprivation.  
  
PART 7: PAR-TAY!  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!" Zell yelled at one blond Neanderthal as he   
bounded merrily up to the frat building.  
  
"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!" Neanderthal screamed back. The two bumped   
chests, burped, slapped hands, and scratched themselves in the crotch.  
  
All pleasantries aside, Neanderthal said, "My name's Jamison! What's   
yours?"  
  
"Zell, dude."  
  
"Dude, cool. What are you in?"  
  
Zell didn't understand the question. "Huh...?"  
  
"Kappa Kappa Alpha? Delta Zeta Spaghetta? Alpha Beta Soupa?"  
  
"Oohhh..." Zell thought. Then he got a bright idea. "I...ummm...I was   
abducted by aliens and they dropped me off here!"  
  
"DUDE! UFO'S?" Jamison screamed. A few other scary jock types and their   
bored, drunken, horny girlfriends came over to listen and drink beer.  
  
"Yeah! YEAH, DUDE!" Zell yelled. "MAN! It was AWFUL! They kept me in a   
glass box and only fed me dirt!"  
  
"No beer?" asked another blond.  
  
"No, man!"  
  
Everyone screamed in terror. By now the majority of the party was   
around them, except everyone who was screwing the head cheerleader. But even   
without eight or ten people, it was a large crowd of loud, inebriated college   
students. To anyone but Zell, this would have been a sign to act with prudence,   
but unfortunately, it WAS Zell.  
  
"THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT'S FAULT!" announced a third blond.  
  
"YEAH! DOWN WITH THE GOVERNMENT!" The entire party was screaming and   
cursing by now.  
  
Zell smiled. "It's nice to have good friends!" he chirped.  
  
"What are we gonna do? What if the aliens come for us?" a pretty   
brunette in a halter top and bikini bottoms warbled.  
  
"Don't worry, babe, I'll protect you!" some guy honked.  
  
"If only Caraway had opposed the Sorceress, this wouldn't have   
happened!" someone tweeted!  
  
The brunette, crying, honked as she blew her nose.  
  
"That sounded like a quack!" someone twittered.  
  
"Dude, you're trippin'!" someone else tweeted in disbelief.  
  
"What's your name?" Zell cawed at the brunette.  
  
"Phoebe."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Phoebe! Feeee-beeee!"  
  
"Oh, sorry. You know that sounds like something a bird would say?" Zell   
asked her.  
  
Phoebe looked at him with big brown eyes, wide in fear, and smiled.   
"That's so sweet."  
  
And, amidst a group of enraged frat boys and sorority sisters, Zell and   
Phoebe shared a celebratory grope.  
  
PART 8: TOUCHDOWN! ...OR MAYBE NOT  
  
"...and that's why the interns are so ugly." General Caraway finished   
telling Irvine.  
  
"Ohhhhh..."  
  
Caraway gave Quistis the evil eye. 'Don't let her touch my china!" he barked.  
  
Quistis sniffed. "How rude! Why, we were only trying to-"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
General Caraway had been a bit hostile towards Quistis ever since she   
smashed his grandmother's precious teacups the night of Edea's botched assassination.  
  
Selphie pulled her boots up and sighed. This sucked. She decided to   
actually get on with their mission.  
  
"YO! GENERAL!"  
  
Everyone winced. Caraway shrieked in horror as Selphie's piercing yell   
caused his Great-Aunt Edna's Delft China to literally implode.  
  
"What is it, Selphie?" he asked wearily once the sound waves had stopped   
reverberating.  
  
"Do you know where Rinoa is?"  
  
"Yes, she's in her room."  
  
The party from Balamb just kind of stared at him.  
  
"Well?" Caraway asked after an uncomfortable silence.  
  
"Well? WELL? DAMMIT, MAN!" Irvine had suddenly gained a Scottish accent   
and threw himself into Caraway's arms, sobbing hysterically. "CANNA YE SEE THE   
DANGER, MAN? SHE CAN'T TAKE MUCH O' THIS!"  
  
"Irvine, shut up." Selphie said.  
  
Irvine backed away from Caraway and bowed. "Ah've been practicin' fer   
the drama club! How d'ya figger I'll do?"  
  
"Marvelous." Caraway said dryly. "You have a real flair. Speaking of   
flair, is that lipstick?"  
  
"Where is she?" Quistis asked.  
  
"Not in the sewers or my china cabinet, you bimbo!" Caraway snarled at   
her. To Selphie in his sweetest voice, he said, "Rinoa is in her mother's room   
if you would like to speak to her."  
  
"Allllll righty, then!" Selphie straightened up and saluted. "As leader   
of this mission, I nominate myself to go get Squall's sexy pants back!"  
  
The short girl swaggered importantly into the room and, without looking,   
turned around and closed the door quickly, and locked it.  
  
Without turning around, Selphie said in her most dangerous voice, "All   
right, Rinoa. The jig is up. I want you to hand over Squall's pants immediately.   
Do it quickly and quietly, and we won't prosecute."  
  
She was met with silence.  
  
"Come on, Rinoa!" Selphie began to whine, and turned around. "If I get   
the pants back Squall said he's pay for-"  
  
The room was empty. One wall had been torn down, and a small scrap of   
blue polyester was caught on a jagged piece of wood.  
  
"DAMN!" Selphie yelled.  
  
Then she noticed the mob of enraged frat boys heading for the mansion.  
  
  
  
  



	3. The Interlude- Can you BELIEVE I'm stil...

PART 9: THERE IS NO REST FOR THE WEARY AND STUPID  
  
"Shit." was all Selphie could say as she watched in horror, the   
teengers coming steadily nearer and knocking things over as they went.   
In the front, she could see Zell wearing some girl's panties outside   
of his jeans and shadowboxing. It perturbed her and made her feel   
slightly clammy, yet still with a fresh minty aftertaste.  
  
Suddenly, the entire Caraway mansion shook violently and Selphie was   
thrown across the room into Rinoa's Furby collection. "Uh-oh..."   
Selphie said.  
  
"Uh-oh...." the Furbies all said at once.   
  
'Shit.' Selphie said again, struggling to her feet. She raced, dizzy,   
back over to the window and gasped.   
  
A huge UFO levitatedin the air like a tea saucer of doom, or   
something. A wide, bright green beam of light emanated from the middle   
of the bottom, directly over Zell and the frat people, who were all   
still merrily smashing random objects and throwing up.   
  
The window was shattered out, and Selphie could see that the entire   
city of Deling had been damaged in the blast--which, she concluded,   
must have been from the UFO's light beam. Selphie was quite speedy on   
the uptake.   
  
She dashed out of the room like a transvestite at an NRA convention   
hosted at Jerry Falwell's house and slid down what was left of the   
bannister. Landing on the splintering wooden floor, she shouted,   
"General Caraway!? Quisty?! Liberace?!"...but no answer came from the   
General, her teacher, or Irvine...except a shatter and a shriek of   
anguish.   
  
Selphie ran into the room, kicking down the door (not for dramatic   
effect, mind you, but because it had been wedged horizontally into the   
frame) to behold Quistis yelling at a sobbing General Caraway, who lay   
amidst bits of broken crockery. Irvine, noncommittal, was filing his   
nails and whistling on the couch. Apparently none were aware of the   
huge tremors that had just occurred.   
  
[Author's Note: They're Final Fantasy characters. What can I say?]   
  
"Are you guys okay?" Selphie asked, but her voice was actually   
inaudible due to a huge roar...and more vibrations. Caraway, who was   
curled up in the fetal position, rolled back and forth in the corner,   
and Quistis used her whip to hang from the chandelier.   
  
Irvine, he being Irvine and a bit OOC, hummed a little tune.   
  
Selphie, who had been bracing herself in the doorway, now looked out   
the downstairs window.   
  
The UFO was gone, and Zell and the entire college campus of Deling   
University along with it. All that was left were beer cans, protest   
signs, and a vibrator.   
  
'Oh, god!" Selphie cried out. "Zell's been abducted!"   
  
"Oh, god!" Caraway echoed. "My beautiful, beautiful crepe pans..."   
  
  
PART 10: ROLLING WITH YOUR MOTHER  
  
Edea hummed a little tune (unlike Irvine, she was not humming "It's   
Raining Men") as she set the table. Cid Kramer, reading a newspaper in   
his favorite comfy armchair, looked over at his lovely wife and smiled.   
She smiled back gently.   
  
Cid slowly stood up and folded the newspaper. 'Darling, it's been so   
long since we..."   
  
"Oh, Cid." Edea's voice was soft, warm, inviting. "It's been AGES..."   
  
Cid came over and enfolded Edea in his arms. With a slight moan of   
passion, he kissed her, then whispered..." Go....get...the box..."   
  
'Oh, God, Cid!" Edea moaned...   
  
  
* * * * * *  
  
  
  
'AAAAAH!" Cid screamed, sweat running down his forehead. Edea only   
clenched her teeth and whimpered in reply.   
  
Cid moved his hand a certain way that he knew Edea adored, and she   
cried out in excitement. She herself stretched her entire body over   
his, reaching her arms out in acquiescence, straining...   
  
"OH, GOD!" Cid shouted at the top of his lungs.   
  
Edea arched her back. 'YES, YES, YES, OH GOD, YES!" She gasped in   
excitement at besting Cid at their activities.   
  
Cid whimpered once, twice, softly...shuddered...and fell back. Edea   
collapsed next to him a fraction a second later, panting from their   
exertions.   
  
"Even though I won, I think we're too old to play Twister, dear." she   
finally said.   
  
((It's short because I had to write it at school :P that's also why   
there are sooooo many typos! ARGH! But rest assured, dear readers,   
that this will soon be added onto....))   
  
  
  



	4. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am SO sorry about the delay on this story, everybody.  
But I have a really short attention span...  
What I DON'T have is a good excuse, so please forgive me, and try to  
enjoy this really important installment of SQUALL'S SEXY PANTS.  
  
WARNING: Contains (literal) Rinoa bashing.  
*********************************  
  
PART 11: YES! THERE IS STILL A STORY!  
  
"I don't wanna look for Zell!" Selphie whined. "Seriously,   
what did Ol' Chickenhead ever do for ME?!"  
Irvine winked at her. "Ah kin thank of sumfin'..."  
"I TOLD YOU NEVER TO MENTION THE TIME I GAVE ZELL A BLOWJOB IN   
THE BACK OF HIS MOTHER'S STATION WAGON, IRVINE, YOU PANSY WHORE!"  
"Huh?" Irvine asked, very confused.   
Selphie blushed. "Oooops...nevermind...heh...heh...whoo-eeee..."  
Quistis turned around to face the other two, looking very   
nervous and upset. "You two, we no longer have any kind of plan of   
action, and we are down one person to boot. Now what do we do?"  
"Ah think we needs us more peoples, y'all." Irvine said.  
"Hey, cool, someone spilled Altoids all over the floor...!"   
Selphie said, and got down on her hands and knees. Many fanboys were   
happy.  
The Terriffic- Teriffic- Terffiffic- goddamn it, try that again...  
The TERRIFIC ((Aha!)) trio was still in Caraway's mansion.   
They had tucked the moaning, whimpering General into bed with a   
hot-water bottle Quistis constructed from a Mason jar filled with hot   
Jell-O (she was pretty mad at him; the Jell-O was lime with pears in   
it) and an old Teddy Ruxpin Irvine found in Rinoa's mother's room.   
Hopefully, he'd remain one cozy general.  
"Ah'm suryuss, Sefie. We needs a group 'a four at least iff'n   
we wants a successful-like mission." Irvine continued.  
"Did you just get more of an accent?"  
"Ah reckon."  
"Well,, CUT IT OUT."  
"Sorry." he amended. "Ah'll try to be less phonetic."  
"You TWO!" Quistis bitched. 'Let's stay on task here, please."   
The blond ignored Selphie's "You-suck-Quisty" face (one eye squinched   
shut, the other one wide open and crossed, one finger pushing her nose   
up like a pig's, the lips peeled back like a chimp's, the tongue   
waving in the air.) and kept going. "I do not want to spoil anyone's   
fun, but we are under obligation to our good friend Squall-"  
"I don't like him." Irvine added.  
"-to recover his pants. That should be our first priority."   
Quistis finished, with a sharp warning glare in Irvine's direction.   
The cowboy-man merely winked and smiled in such an extraneously suave   
manner that Leonardo DiCaprio threw up somewhere.  
Selphie gasped. "How can you SAY that?!?!?! It's way more   
important to get poor Zell back than it is to get stupid Squall's   
lousy three-dollar Kmart shorts!"  
"Weren't you just saying you didn't really care if we found   
Zell?" Quistis asked her.  
"Oh, yeah." Selphie looked mollified. "Fuck it, then, let's go   
find Rin-HO-a."  
  
PART 12: COLD, HALF-NAKED, AND ALONE...  
  
Squall sniffled. (Nobody loves me.), he thought. (It's been a   
day already since Selphie said she would go get my pants back and I   
haven't heard from her.)  
He tried a cool, casual pose and found it worked. (Not that I   
care. People are just stupid anyways...)  
He sniffled again. (Well, I hope Rinoa's happy. That damn slut   
made my face hurt when I smiled that one time. Dumb ho.)  
(Ah, how I love her...! That sweet voice, that delicate face,   
that cheerful demeanor! My Rinoa, my darling, my angel! My heart   
itself was born when that lovely creature graced me with her love! I   
want to shower her with jewels and flowers and palaces! Beautiful,   
beautiful Rinoa!)  
"I should talk more often." Squall told the wall. "I'm an   
excellent liar. After all, look what I just said in my head."  
(Dumb bitch...)  
  
PART 13: WHAT THE HELL...?! NOT AGAIN!  
  
"Kiros" Laguna said, hoping he could approach this delicate   
subject in the right way. "Do you screw men?"  
Whoops.  
"NO!" Kiros said. "For the EIGHTH TIME! I don't screw THEM,   
THEY screw ME!"  
"Oh. Okay!" Laguna said happily. "Mmmm, good beer."  
"..." Ward said.  
Laguna spit it back into his plastic Pikachu mug and gagged.   
Kiros gave one high, trilling stream of hysterical laughter. "SICK,   
Ward! That's not funny!"  
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!" Kiros chortled, proving him   
wrong.  
The mayor of Esthar looked queasy as Ward zipped up his pants.   
"I can't BELIEVE you did that, man. That is WRONG. I think I'm gonna   
puke...ooooohhhhrrrrggggg....my LEGS....!"  
Suddenly, the door swung open to reveal three very dramatic-  
looking silhouettes. Well, maybe not dramatic, but you could tell from   
a distance that they had funny hair.  
"Hey! You guys are back!" Laguna said.  
Selphie strode in with a bit of a sexy swagger. "SIR LAGUNA,   
GIVE ME YOUR ROCKET!" she announced forcefully.  
Laguna's face fell. "Gee, Selphie, you're really darn cute and   
all and I'd like to, but you're still technically underage and-"  
"Not THAT rocket!" Selphie said, jumping around like one of   
those really really really bouncy balls you get from the drugstore for   
10 cents each. "The ones that go into SPACE!" Selphie indicated "space"  
by waving her arms around madly and tripping over a footstool. She was   
very exuberant, to the point of stupidity.  
"Irvy-buns, you can see MY rocket anytime you want." Kiros   
simpered.   
Irvine blushed. "Shucks, Kiros, Ah di'n even know you had one! Where   
is it parked?"  
This time Kiros's face fell.  
"Please excuse my companions. They are stupid dirtbags."   
Quistis said icily. She was still annoyed from General Caraway's   
bitching.   
Laguna hopped up and rubbed his hands together. "Rockets!   
Right! What do you need them for?"  
"TO GET LAID WITH SQUALL!" a horrible, familiar voice   
screeched from the door, which had been left open.  
Selphie's ears pricked up, which is an anatomical   
impossibility for humans. Could it be...? She turned around...  
And indeed, there she was. Squinty-eyed, smirking, snarky   
Rinoa in her Wal-Mart-brand trenchcoat, hugging a pair of what must   
definitely be sexy leather pants.  
"OHMIGAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!" Selphie and Irvine screamed.   
Rinoa giggled. A few goldfish is Ward's aquarium went belly-up   
at that exact moment. "Tee hee, Rinoa likey get laid with Squall!"  
"Rinoa!" gasped Quistis. "Hand over the pants and come with us!"  
Rinoa frowned and shook her head so hard that the few remaining   
brain cells flew out her right ear and disappeared. "No! If Squall am   
having of pants, Squall no screw Rinoa!"  
"Oh, NOW I get it..." several people muttered.  
"Rinoa send hyper boy up in space with alien friends! Squall   
am rescuing hyper boy! When Squall go into space..." Rinoa made a rude   
gesture with her hands and grinned, drooling.  
"Wow, that's actually...smart...considering that the first   
time you two even hugged was on a spaceship." Irvine said in a   
shocked, admiring tone of voice.  
Rinoa giggled. More fish died.  
"But how can Squall rescue Zell if he will not leave his room?"   
Quistis asked logically.  
Rinoa's face grew dim, her mouth dropped open, and her eyes   
filled with tears. "Squall no will leave?"  
"He refuses to until he has his pants back." Selphie said.   
"Boy, you didn't think about this very well, did you?"  
"Why Rinoa hurt self by thinking for?!"  
Selphie moaned.  
Irvine sighed theatrically.  
Quistis looked at the wall.  
Laguna examined the rest of his beer.  
Kiros picked at his manicure and sniffed haughtily.  
"..." said Ward.  
Everyone's face lit up like lightbulbs when the heard this sage advice.  
"Ol' buddy, you are the MAN!" Laguna said, exchanging a high   
five with Ward.  
"That IS rather feasible..." Quistis mused.  
"I like it!" Selphie announced.   
"Shall I do the honors...?" asked Irvine.   
Everyone nodded his or her assent. Irvine picked up a large   
stone Moomba sculpture, walked over to Rinoa, and brained her with it.   
She crumbled to the floor in an anorexic heap. The second she hit the   
floor, Irvine scooped up the pants and proudly held them out to   
Selphie and the rest.  
Everyone burst into wild cheers.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED....  



	5. Mmmm-Mmmm, Silly!

CHAPTER 14: OH, THIS IS JUST SILLY!  
  
"So, we've got Rin-ho-a. But how do we get Zell?" Selphie asked, "accidentally" kicking Rinoa out of Irvine's arms for the fourth time. They had left Esthar four hours ago and been walking ever since.   
  
Irvine sighed and picked Rinoa back up, not bothering to brush the dust and mud off her. "Ah don' know, Sefie. All ah know is that I'm right tired."  
  
"Me, too." Selphie sighed. "What about you, Q-Bitch? You tired?"  
  
But from Quistis came no answer. Selphie spun around, arms flailing, and knocked Rinoa and Irvine over. Then she tripped over a rock and plowed face-first into the muck herself. She got a 6.3, a 5.9, a 7.1, and a miserable 4.2 from the Australian judges.  
  
"Kangaroo-screwing pricks!"  
  
Irvine picked himself up and stepped on Rinoa once for good measure before slinging her back over his shoulder. "AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!" he said eloquently.  
  
Selphie stomped her foot, sending a wave of mud washing over her legs again. "QUISTIS! ANSWER ME, GOD DAMMIT!"  
  
But from Quistis there came no answer. Selphie snarled in anger and proceeded to bludgeon the hell out of-  
  
--a tree she had mistaken for Quistis.   
  
"OHMIGOD! We lost Quistis!" Selphie screamed.   
  
"Oh, hell..." Irvine moaned. "An' those tranquilizers Kiros gave Rinoa are gonna wear off in less'n an hour!"  
  
Suddenly, something dawned on Selphie. "Oh, my god, Irvine-"  
  
"Sefie, that's real sweet 'n all, but I don't think Ah'm quite up to deity status yet."  
  
"No, stupid! I mean...didn't we have a CAR?!"  
  
Irvine stopped dead in the middle of a big yawn, which was not the most flattering position. A big bat flew straight into it and set up a co-op condominium with two other swinger bats. Irvine was too dumbfounded to notice, however. "And," he began, realization slowly dawning on his own face, "we can't get from Esthar to Balamb by walkin', neither!"  
  
"Or driving." The tree added.  
  
Irvine and Selphie stared at the tree, who rustled his leaves in a very miffed manner. "Well, excuse me for trying to help! When you're in the Forest of Really Twisted Shit, you overhear a lot of things."  
  
"The Forest of Really Twisted Shit?!" Selphie and Irvine exclaimed together.  
  
"What are you, a Greek chorus? I think it's pretty self-exclamatory."  
  
Selphie shook her head. "You know what? I've become immune to sheer dementia by now. I think the aliens abducting the frat party just about did me in." She sighed. Irvine hugged her, letting Rinoa slip off into the mud again. "Tell us about the Forest of Really Twisted Shit."  
  
"Okay!" Some chipper 1950's-Home-of-the-Future music started up out of nowhere. The tree cleared its throat (or whatever) and began his spiel: "Long ago, Sorceress Hyne-who secretly enjoyed being called 'Hienie Hyne' during intimate moments-was really, really, incredibly stoned. She claimed that a small fairy with terrible B.O. flew up to her, bonked her on the head with a magic wand, and shrieked at her, 'BITCH YOU BE TRIPPIN'!!'. She then decided to form a community made up of the demented and freakish things she had dreamed up when she was snookered, and the Forest was born."  
  
"Wow, is that true?" Irvine asked the tree.  
  
"God, no. Sounded pretty neat, though, didn't it?"   
  
"Well, I have a few questions I'd like to ask you." Selphie said.  
  
"Leroy."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"My name is Leroy." the tree said, a little surprised. "That is what you were going to ask me, isn't it?"  
  
"Yeah, but how did you know?"  
  
Two frogs climbed on Rinoa's back and began mating.  
  
"I'm a Psychic Masochist Birch." Leroy responded. "By the way, you know how you kicked me a while back there?"  
  
'Yeah, I'm really sorry-"  
  
"Do it again, but harder."  
  
Selphie blinked. "Umm...don't you think we're moving a little too fast? I mean, can't I buy you dinner first, or maybe see a movie?"  
  
"I'm flattered, but all I really want you to do is beat the living shit out of me."  
  
"Can I join in?" Irvine asked hungrily. Selphie stared at him in shock. Irvine's eyes burned with a lust stronger than any Selphie had ever seen, stronger than the lust that had burned in Zell's eyes when his girlfriend wore a suit made of hot dogs. He had disrobed, and was left in nothing except his cowboy hat, boots, and boxer shorts with the Powerpuff Girls printed on them. Fangirls drooled to the point of dehydration.  
  
"Ooooh, come to Big Pimp Daddy Tree!" Leroy said. Irvine began walking towards him, excited hands tugging at his undies and pulling them down...down...down...  
  
Rinoa leaped up out of the mud, grabbed both Squall's and Irvine's pants, and ran like Newt Gingrich at a NOW convention.  
  
Everything around Selphie melted, and she passed out.  
  
CHAPTER 15: YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!  
  
Squall sighed. /Selphie's still not back yet. It's been THREE damn days now. Nobody likes me.\  
  
His computer suddenly announced, "You've got mail!"  
  
Squall looked over at the computer. /Hey, maybe it's from Selphie or something...\ He walked over and sat down, clicking on the little mailbox icon. /Oh, no, it's from that dickweed Laguna. Gag me. Still, maybe he's seen them...\  
  
FROM: MrMayor2001@estharmail.com  
TO: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu  
  
Squall,  
  
People think I'm your father. Should I laugh at them, or is that too mean?  
  
Love,   
Laguna  
"All your base are belong to us!"  
  
Squall blinked, then pressed reply.  
  
FROM: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu  
TO: MrMayor2001@estharmail.com  
  
Laguna-  
  
Laugh your ass off. If I didn't already think people were stupid, I'd sure as hell start now.  
  
--Squall  
"You are the eggman, I am the walrus, koo-koo-ka-choo."  
  
PART 16: HANGOVERS SUCK  
  
The first thing Selphie saw when she woke up was a big, pale blob hovering silently over her face.  
  
"Hi, Ward," she mumbled, then threw up.  
  
Doing that seemed to make her feel better and, when the room stopped spinning, she managed to sit up and wearily assess the situation. Irvine was curled up, sucking his thumb, in the bed next to her. Against the far wall, she was relieved to see Quistis. Actually, she heard Quistis before she saw her, because the blond was snoring like a grizzly bear in heat doing a James Earl Jones Impression.  
  
Rinoa was nowhere to be found.  
  
"Shit!" Selphie said, punching the mattress in anger. Ward made a move to lift her up. "No, not literally, Ward."  
  
Laguna walked in. "Are you okay?'  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Selphie wailed, tears spilling down her face. "Not only did we lose Rinoa, but we lost Squall's pants AND Irvine's!"  
  
Laguna came over to the bed, careful not to sit in the gigantic puddle of vomit, and hugged her. "Don't worry, Selphie! When Kiros was doping Rinoa up the other day, he made sure to implant a tracking device in her scalp. We know exactly where she is right now."  
  
"Oh, that is smart...she'll never find it in her hair; I don't think she's washed it since the Carter administration." Selphie said admiringly. "I feel a whole lot better now, except...um...what fucking HAPPENED out there?!"  
  
"Well, from what I know, all I can surmise is that you, Irvine, and Rinoa left on foot. Quistis was mad at you, so she had been sitting in the car sulking, expecting you two to get in soon. When you still hadn't after an hour, she got out of the car, but since Kiros had drugged you all with hashish in your Cherry Cokes, she tripped out and went running naked down the street, screaming that Orson Welles was trying to eat her baby. We caught her and put her to bed, then noticed on the tracking device that Rinoa was running wild all over the continent. I figured you two had to be in some kind of trouble, so I sent Ward and Kiros out to find you, but then Kiros refused to go unless we used sled dogs. I tried pointing out to him that sled dogs don't work too well in the muddy areas you guys were in out there, but he wouldn't listen, and we had to go find some stupid fucking sled dogs, and then of course they peed all over the living room carpet and Ward got mad and threw them at Kiros, which broke Kiros's arm. So I had to go out in my Bentley and I found you all and brught you back here." Laguna said, then panted heavily.  
  
'Oh, you sure know a whole fucking lot." Selphie quipped sarcastically.  
  
'I'm sorry, I should be more well-informed." Laguna apologized.  
  
"..." Ward said.  
  
"You're right, buddy, Kiros has definitely turned into a junkie whore." Laguna sighed. "I just don't know what to do with him anymore. I keep wishing he'd find a nice, sturdy boy or girl or farm animal or something, but he's not interested."  
  
Selphie swung her legs in a cute and childish manner, accidentally kicking Laguna in the shins. "We should set him up with Irvine!"  
  
"Irvine? But he's not gay!" Laguna winced and rubbed his shins.  
  
"I can NOT believe you don't think he's gay!" Selphie shrieked.  
  
"Well, he says he isn't, and he of all people should know!" Laguna said firmly.   
  
Selphie groaned in exhaustion and lay back down. "Are we gonna get to use the rockets?" she asked weakly. "We still have to rescue Mr. Hot Dog Man."  
  
"Yeah, but here's the problem." Laguna moaned, rubbing his temples. "Kiros hid them all and refuses to let anyone use them until he gets laid."  
  
"WHAT??!?! Why?!??"  
  
"I dunno, it fit with the plot. Anyways, we have to find someone willing to screw Kiros...THEN you can use the rockets."  
  
Suddenly, a light bulb flashed over Selphie's head.  
  
"Oooh, a black light! Neato bandito!" Laguna said, reaching out and taking it.  
  
"Laguna! I've got an idea!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I know how to get Kiros laid!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  



	6. The Plan: That's Really Gross, Selphie.....

PART 17: A LONG SHOT IN THE DARK BLINDFOLDED WITH BOTH HANDS TIED BEHIND YOUR BACK WHILE TRIPPING ON ACID  
  
/Oh, god, no...not the blue tie-dyed ones...I can't BELIEVE I let Irvine buy me clothes for my birthday...what was I thinking? Thinking...I shouldn't think to myself all the time; I'll end up like Laguna. After all, I can't let anyone see me being nice, even myself. What'll myself think of me?\  
  
/Okay, cool it, Squall. We're looking for some replacement pants to wear, not a Freudian analysis.\  
  
/Green corduroy stretch pants? Are these even MINE?\  
  
/I'm gonna kill Rinoa, if I ever see her again. Well, maybe not KILL...maybe just maim horribly.\  
  
Squall sighed and looked at his computer screen. Besides talking with some horny Turkish men over ICQ, he hadn't done much today.  
  
"You've Got Mail!"  
  
Squall almost expressed visible joy at the sound. He lunged for the mouse and eagerly brought up his mailbox. It was from Selphie.  
  
FROM: queenofbooyaka@balambgarden.edu  
TO: crankylittlebitch@balambgarden.edu  
  
HI SQUALL!~ WUZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP?????  
  
I havwen't gotten your pasnts back yet, biut we know wherte they and Rinoa are. Allso, Zell got abducxted by aliens. Heheheheh ^_^ OH YEWAH! I have a favor to ask of you.  
  
If tyou want your pants back, you8n hyave to have sex with Kiros. Be at Sir Lagun a's hourse at 7 PN tonight. Pnats optionbal.  
  
Booyaka!  
Lovew Selphie  
  
Squall screamed, and shuddered. Sex with Kiros? Then he sat back and really thought about it. Kiros was articulate, attractive, cultured, eloquent, and an interesting fellow. Squall wasn't quite sure what to make of his passion for banana-yellow thong bikinis and furry purple leopard-print pants, but he figured that if he was knocked out cold, he might not even notice. Sex with Kiros might even be an eye-opening experience-nay, an enjoyable one even!  
  
Still. It was a yucky thought.  
  
There was another email lying in wait for him to discover. Something so awful, the human mind can barely rationalize its existence. Something so filthy and hideous, your eyes could turn to stone as you read it. Your blood would boil in your very capillaries and the flesh would melt from your splintering bones were you ever to encounter the madness.  
  
Squall knew no better, and opened the email.  
  
FROM: ~*PuPpY_pRiNcEsS*~@girlystuff.barf  
  
hi squally-poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
i haff yer pants haha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if u want em back, cum 2 outer space he he he!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! may e we kin hug again!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I luv u, so i sent u this poem frum chiken soup 4 the whinebag adolescent's soul!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The Last Date  
By Susie Whompingshire, age 13  
Dedicated to Britney Spears  
  
Sally was a pretty girl on a date with Dean  
She had a new gown and her hair was soft and clean  
Sally thought it was a date to go and eat ice cream  
Little did poor Sally know she was living a dream.  
  
Dean was not a white guy or a Christian or rich  
He was ethnic and a heathen poorer than shit  
His mommy was an alkie that his daddy liked to hit  
Daddy didn't believe in God and high school he had quit.  
  
Sally got in Dean's car at quarter of ten  
Little did she know she would never see home again  
Once the car pulled out all the terror began  
Did I mention Dean wasn't a good Christian man?  
  
He pulled out marijuana and a bottle of Jim Beam  
Dean smoked and drank and smoked and drank until he turned quite mean  
Then he turned to Sally and the poor girl starter to scream  
Because the stuff upon his pants was not freshly whipped cream.  
  
Dean threw her down upon the seat and, cuz he was pagan  
Started raping her and smoking more and drinking crack and ragin'  
When he was finished Sally was quite sad and pregnant  
And then Dean told her that into her crotch she'd soon be diggin'.  
  
He gave her crabs and AIDS and more the world has never seen  
She had syphilis and gonorrhea and her pelvis turned bright green  
Poor Sally never even got any ice cream  
Because then heathen Dean hit a flock of pedestrians who screamed.  
  
Since that Wiccan Druid scum went out to drink and drive  
Sally, her fetus, and five old ladies are not alive  
It's enough to make any young virgin lady cry  
See what happens when you worship idols and lie?  
  
NOW PASS THIS MESSAGE ON TO EVERYONE YOU HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF MEETING, AND SCROLL DOWN PAST THE GIANT ASCII PICTURE OF JESUS!  
  
*  
*  
*  
*  
[Insert hideous ASCII picture here]  
*  
*  
*  
IF U PASSED THIS ONE TO 0-3 PEOPLE, YOU ARE A BAD CRACK-SMOKING HEATHEN AND ARE GOING TO HELL!  
IF U PASSED THIS ON TO 4-10 PEOPLE, YOU MUST REALLY WANT THEM TO KICK YOU IN THE TEETH!  
IF U PASSED THIS ON TO MORE THAN 10 PEOPLE, YOU ARE A GOOD CHRISTIAN VIRGIN AND JESSICA SIMPSON WILL PERSONALLY SPIT ON YOUR DOORMAT!  
  
Squall blinked. "..."  
  
/Well, at least I have a little something extra to send Selphie...\  
  
PART 18: RANDOM? WE'RE NOT RANDOM AROUND HERE, NOT AT ALL!  
  
Somewhere out in the cold, vast reaches of darkest outer space, trapped upon an alien warship, all alone and terrified, Zell farted.  
  
PART 19: A PLAN HATCHES LIKE A ROTTEN EGG  
  
"Okay, spiffy!" Selphie announced. She, Laguna, Irvine, Quistis, and Ward were all in a small, stuff room. The duck-like girl stood at the head of the room in front of a large Fisher Price easel, on which rested a huge sheaf of papers. Ward stood behind the easel. The other three sat expectantly at the pool table Laguna had thoughtfully dragged in.  
  
"Laguna, I'm not one to criticize another's taste in furniture, but a pool table is for playing pool on." Quuistis said tactfully.  
  
"Don't tell me how to live my life!" Laguna said, punching Irvine in the head. Irvine choked on a ham sandwich. He wasn't eating it, but he choked on it anyways. Go figure. "I happen to be very artistic, and us artist types don't function in the bourgeois restraints of so-called NORMALCY and SOCIETY! We are OUTCASTS WITH A K! WE ARE OLD SOULS! WE ARE THE EMBODIMENT OF ART ITSELF! DOWN WITH THE GOVERNMENT!"  
  
"Laguna, you ARE the government."  
  
"DOWN WITH ME! Strive to destroy yourself so that you may become NAUGHT BUT A VEHICLE OF TRUTH! WHAT IS THIS FRAIL, MORTAL FLESH WHEN ONE SEES THE OVERWHELMING, ALL-ENCOMPASSING GRANITE STONE THAT IS ART?!"  
  
"Shut the fuck up." Quistis said.  
  
Laguna blinked.  
  
"Can I START now, pleeeeeeeeeeeease?" Selphie asked, frowning adorably.  
  
"Go 'head, Sefie." Irvine said encouragingly.  
  
"THANK YOU! Ahem, okay." Selphie pointed to a small stick figure with a frowny face. "This is Squall. At 1500 hours, Squall will show up here, hopefully in what passes for a good mood."  
  
"Wait, you know for sure that Squall's coming?" Quuistis interrupted.  
  
"Yeah! I even printed out his email. He sent this really stupid poem along with it, too..." Selphie looked around. "Where the hell did that printout go?"  
  
Irvine's mascara was running down his cheeks. Hee sniffled and blew his nose in a cocktail napkin as he clutched the snot-smeared, tearstained pages to his heart. "Thayut's so true! Booo hoo hoo hoo..."  
  
"Um...duly noted, asshole." Seelphie said. 'Anyways. When Squall gets here, Ward will have the Tequila Funnel prepared." Waard flipped the sheet over to reveal another stick drawing. Thhis one was on Squall sitting on a stool with a large hose stuck in his mouth. The hose extended from a huge funnel labeled, "TEKEELA". The funnel was being held by a fat stick figure with a scar on its face. (Don't ask how a stick figure can be fat; they used a thicker marker, okay?!)   
  
"Once Squall is completely inebriated, enter Kiros." A drawing of Squall and a stick figure with braids. "Kiros will make his move, the two of them will fuck like weasels-" A picture of a heart wearing exciting lingerie. "-and then Kiros will give us the rockets." A doodle of penile rocket ships graced the paper. "We'll go up in space-" A rocketship with five happy smiling faces peeking out of the windows. The one in the cowboy hat was wearing lipstick. "-and rescue Zell from the aliens." A stick figure smiling and holding a hot dog was hiding behind a stick figure with a duck bill brandishing a baseball bat at a green stick figure. "Then we use the spaceship and Squall to lure Rinoa-Hobag, recover the pants, and go the fuck home. Any questions?"  
  
"What's with the duck?" Laguna asked.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  



End file.
